Unwillingly We Leap
My Dear Friend,
I write this hastily because I am gone again tomorrow. I don’t know when I’ll return in the next two weeks. I am well, yet unwell. I have asked Yrs. Solaken to postpone my Guild ceremony for several months. He was dismayed, but looked at me curiously as though he had expected it.
No, that’s unfair. I rationalize that it’s unfair. I insist that it’s unfair!
I know that you will hear what I have said, and I know what you will think of what I am saying now. But I own what I say, and that is that. I will not take it back.
You know, too, what you will say to my scratchy, irrational message. Others would say the same. “You were so close! So close!”
True. In this modern, watered-down version of the Guild, yes, I was close. I still am close. But I’m not there, not yet. And these protocols may be of no importance in the larger scheme of Guild matters. Yrs. Solaken fancies he has preserved the old policies so very well….
I do beg to differ.
I haven’t told Jurel as of yet, as she, too, will be filled with warnings. “If the anger reaches your heart, it takes control.” I know. I know! And I feel it taking control while intellectually I also know that I have to do something to diffuse it. Yet… it will not be diffused this time. It is a hungry beast, this anger borne of fear, although exactly what anger or what fear it will not reveal as it knows I will then be able to confront it. We are as yet, in a power struggle, anger and I. Perhaps that is the fear… that anger will prevail.
My students are worried — they look at me and know something is wrong. I tried to wave it off, but they have learned their lessons quite well. But what can they do? Some of them have barely begun to understand themselves, what pushes and pulls them, or even what to do when they fall into their patterns (as we do so easily). I have them to think of.
I will write again as soon as I can. I promise I will explain. But tonight I will “help” myself sleep, and then things will look different in the morning. This will pass, as did the last episode. Even if the Professor will not take a stand in her affairs, I will take a stand in mine.